Sometimes I feel so smart. You know that feeling? The one where you're convinced that when God created you, He spilled the entire bottle of "genius" into the recipe? Yeah, that's how I feel almost all the time. Except for those moments of weakness where I let myself fall for a guy.
Then I feel so incredibly stupid.
Don't get me wrong; I love love. To put it simply, love is one of the most incredible gifts that God has given us. After all,
"Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, [love] is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails."
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Love rocks. However, the stuff leading up to love can sometimes get really messy and--you guessed it--painful. Allow me to elaborate.
It doesn't take much for me to develop a small attraction for someone. Chances are, if you say "hi" and/or smile in my general direction, I will claim to have a crush on you. This is only true about 87% of the time. (Actually, I don't know how often it's accurate. I totally guessed on that percentage. Moving on...)
My point is, I like to like people. I love having someone to think about, wonder about, and learn about. But sometimes I grow to like certain people a LOT. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, it's strong. Also, more often than I'd like to admit, I get hurt. It's not like it's intentional. I mean, I highly doubt that the few guys I've reeeeeeally liked woke up one morning and thought to themselves "hmm, today would be a great day to break Lauren's heart!" Not everybody is that heartless, after all. Even so, I still tend to get hurt.
I've never been the girl who's the "first pick." Sure, I've had people of the male species (ba ha ha) like me before, but as far as my knowledge goes, I've never been #1. There's either already someone else, or someone else comes along all too soon. It's the same old story every single time.
Very recently, I let myself fall for this guy I hadn't known very long. He was--and still is, honestly--seemingly perfect. Everyone who knew him had nothing but kind words to say about him. He was always so kind to me, making it easy to fall for him but difficult to tell if he was falling for me or not. After all, sometimes it's really hard to tell if someone's interested or if he's just being extremely friendly. Well, it appears that he's extremely friendly with someone else. Someone else. Wow, big shocker, I know. (Can you feel the sarcasm?)
Aaaaaand now we're back to feeling stupid. It's not like anybody knew that I liked him. Honestly, next to nobody knew. Even so, that doesn't mean that I don't feel like an absolute idiot. I'm mortified that I didn't see this coming. I'm humiliated that I didn't really look before I leapt. If my suspicions about him and this particular "someone else" are true, then I couldn't be happier for them. Honestly, they are both great people whom I care for dearly and I'd be happy that they would be happy. (But part of me would always be like "GEEZ, YOU'RE KIND OF DUMB.")
I know it doesn't seem like it, but there is a point to this post! Yes, it was partly for me to get out my angst, but it's also to touch on your frustrations. This is for all those ladies and gents who feel like they're unloved, undesired, or unwanted. As awful as most of my crush experiences have been and as crappy as they've made me feel, I've learned from them, I've grown stronger from them, and I've become the person I am today because of them. There's a lesson in all of the trials that life sends our way. You're not alone, and it will get better. The next time you feel embarrassed, awkward, or uncomfortable because of an awful experience with a crush, just remember that this happens to everyone--literally everyone--at one point or another in their lives.
Every failure allows us to be one step closer to a great victory. Real, pure, honest love is a triumph; and it's worth waiting for.